Apr. 30th, 2012

Anxiety.

Apr. 30th, 2012 04:26 pm
kaefig: (Default)
As the day goes by, I get more and more nervous; my appointment to finally get on hormones is tomorrow. I try not to think about it, but when I push it out of my mind, it's all I can focus on. My stomach is nervous and upset -- the butterflies won't stop. If this is how I am before the appointment, how will I be once I'm in the office, filling out paperwork? At that point, my writing will be illegible and I'll need someone else to transcribe it. It's funny that the one thing I've been hoping for and looking forward to is now the greatest source of anxiety for me. That said, this excited anxiousness isn't going to deter me. Hell, even my fear of self-injecting won't deter me.

On the note of self-injecting, I have this overwhelming fear and anxiety of injecting myself. It's senseless, irrational, and I don't even have a fear of needles. I've tried to desensitize myself to the process by watching both cis and trans men inject themselves. While it's helped some, the gnawing fear is there. I'm afraid that I'll finally have my medication and won't even be able to handle the syringe without turning into a crying mess. I guess it's the thought of the needle actually piercing my skin and going into muscle. I haven't had an IM injection done since I was 16 when I needed a tetanus booster after a dog bite. I've never had to do it myself. I even gave a close friend in high school one of her insulin shots. None of that freaked me out. Maybe it's the fact I have to do it for the foreseeable future...I don't know.

I can't give into fear. If I give into fear, I'll be as bad off as I was years ago when I was too depressed to leave the house. I can't do that. I will own this fear and I will tell it to go fuck itself (except fear can't do that, but whatever). To truncate a quote from Dune:

"I must not fear.

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Only I will remain."






While it may be overused, it's an excellent mantra for mind over matter. It's something I have to keep telling myself. I won't let the fear overwhelm me and I won't let it control me. I can overcome this and I will overcome it. I'm strong enough and I'm clear-minded enough to work through this meaningless fear.

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kaefig: (Default)
Mein Körper ist ein Käfig

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