kaefig: (Default)
2012-06-28 05:16 pm

Strange changes ahead.

It seems my body is already shifting fat deposits. I was fairly fit and slim before starting T (~125lbs at 5'3"), so I didn't have a whole lot of fat left on me. My shorts are fitting funny now to the point they're hard to keep up and my binder won't stay down over my butt like it used to. I wasn't expecting this change until a year or more down the line. I'm at half the average dose (.25mg weekly), but the changes are still coming regularly, aside from my voice changing. It's dropped a little bit in pitch, but it's not very noticable.

My first three real beard hairs came in at the corner of my upper lip. I shaved them off two days later because I do not want to have that gross teenage boy moustache. That and I don't like moustaches anyway. My arms are a forest of blonde hair and new patches of leg hair are turning up every day, it seems. My muscle mass has definitely increased and, unfortunately, so has my appetite. There was a period of time last week where I was devouring every thing in sight. The hunger is such a bizarre feeling of being a bottomless pit; nothing is ever quite enough to make the hungry feeling go away. It mostly just made me eat the same portions I ate before my appetite became nothing while Wellbutrin.

These are the only real changes, at the moment, but I'm sure more are to come.
kaefig: (Default)
2012-05-30 12:53 am

Ich bin der Alptraum aller Väter



To start things off, the concert was absolutely incredible. I nearly cried during their performance of Engel because I was completely overwhelmed. That said, the song I posted is especially meaningful. It's a song about homosexuality and homophobia. Strange how a song written by straight men is one of the best representations of homosexuality and what we experience in daily life. G and I were sitting on the righthand side of the stage Rammstein's on here. Though my voice can't be heard, I was singing with the song while holding my partner's hand. It was very cathartic.

Oh, I also had the job I got yanked out from under me because the owner of the company couldn't afford to take on anymore expenses. Sigh.

Now, onto things I've noticed. Since I've been gaming online (late 2009), I've presented myself as male, even if my voice is high pitched. I tell them I'm a guy and they lay off and don't ask questions. It's made me notice how much different men treat their friends than women typically do. The humor is usually crude, sometimes sexual (lots of "I'll give you [sexual innuendo]", etc.), and always rowdy. There's no inital greeting of "Hey, how are you?", it's usually just "Hey, fucker" or "GET OUT". We call each other fuckfaces, dickbags, and all sorts of other colorful insults. There's no dancing around a point or carefully wording things to avoid offending delicate sensibilites. And when you fuck up? They let you know very vocally. I tear into my gaming buddies that decide to drop the f-bomb (hint: it's not "fuck"). It gets the point across much better than "Could you please not say that?" Embarrassment works so very well in changing behavior.

A disturbing thing I've come to notice is transphobia within the trans community. It honestly disgusts me to see some of the things I've read. There's no reason for this bullshit. For example:
"How the fuck can you live 40+ years as a man, marry, have children, be successful as a man, and be masculine as fuck then expect people to just take you seriously as a woman? I think alot of older transitioners just want the best of both worlds. "
It's sad that there's this sense of competition and transer-than-thou bullshit. What made me feel a bit better was a response given shortly after:
"How the fuck can you live 12+ years as a male, go to school, play sport, be successful as a boy, and be masculine as fuck then expect people to just take you seriously as a woman? I think alot of transitioners just want the best of both worlds."
The best way to respond to a ridiculous statement is with absurdity.

Society is changing so that it's possible at all that someone can transition with more ease. We don't have to jump through as many hoops to get the treatment we need. It's becoming more socially acceptable to be trans. Maybe that's why they've waited. Maybe there's deeper personal issues that you don't know about. Maybe they just finally realized what the feeling they've had is. Just because they got a later start in life does not invalidate their experience or their transness. I've seen bullshit like this break out over people who choose not to go on hormones or choose not to have surgery. They are treatment options for a reason. Maybe a transman doesn't want to risk losing his singing voice; there was a leader singer of a band in Canada that chose to forego T because of that exact fact. Sometimes people just don't want to change how they look that drastically or don't have the money. It's all personal choice -- their identity and their experience is still valid. If you don't think so, then you're part of the problem.

Another disturbing thing I've come across is the divide in FTM and MTF communities, particularly within MTF-dominated circles. I have seen transwomen throw transmen under the bus because we "have it easier". Oh honey, no. We don't. I will admit that transwomen face a much higher risk of assault than we do and that's not okay at all. We may have an easier time in early transition getting clothing, but it stops after that. We still have to go through ridiculous motions to get the treatment we seek. We are still very visible when going through transition. Testosterone has a more obvious effect on outward appearance, yes, and we have an easier time "blending" in, but we still share the same fears and risks as any other trans person. There's still the fear of dating, of having sex, of disclosing, of being outed, and any other laundry list of problems. We face discrimination, too. What defines our experience should not be pushing the trans community apart. The transphobia directed at transmen makes me incredibly uncomfortable in posting in what should be a safe space. I genuinely want to help out the trans community as a whole, but I'm afraid of discrimination from people that share the same issue. It shouldn't be this way.

Well...This went on longer than expected. Another possible update soon.
kaefig: (Default)
2012-05-22 02:36 pm

Und die Welt zählt laut bis zehn

Life is going good except for the fact my antidepressant is making me shake like crazy now. It should go away, but if it's not gone by next week, I'm going to get my meds adjusted. I really wish I didn't need it, but it also helps with my ADHD. Hopefully, I'll be able to get off of them in a year or so. I want my brain chemistry to adjust so I'll be okay without needing medication. I love what the meds have done for me mentally. I am leaps and bounds better than I was a year ago. I can make phone calls without too make stress, I can talk to cashiers without freaking out, I can go to bed without crying for an hour. I still have trouble asking for assistance in a store, but I'm sure I'll get better with time.

My third shot is coming up tomorrow; G is going to do that one for me. I've been having dreams lately where I look the same as I do now, but everyone addresses me as "sir" and with male pronouns. It's a definite change in my mental state. The dream I had last night had something to do with me escorting a female friend to a fancy restaurant as a fake date. Kinda funny, in that sense.

As far as everything else, I have a job interview tomorrow and a concert I've been looking forward to since this whole mess started back in December. For the first time in a very long time, I'm hopeful. It feels strange to actually have hope for the future. I have an amazing support network and a new attitude. Everything will be alright in the end. I'm going to kick ass and takes names for the rest of my existence. The fearful, paranoid parts of me have been shoved back. I've come out of my shell and it feels so fucking good.
kaefig: (Default)
2012-05-14 04:50 pm

Second shot thoughts.

I was taught how to self-inject today. My panic and fear was for nothing, I was right. Even though my hands were shaking, I managed to inject my shot with no trouble. G was also being taught places he could inject me if I wanted him to do my shot and we (including the nurse) were entertained by the fact that I'm too bony in the hip area to do a ventrogluteal injection, despite how muscular I am there. I managed to put the needle for drawing up on too tightly and ended up having to get a new syringe to draw up. Good job, self. Once again, G and I got Blizzards since I conquered my fear so well.

I'm noticing more changes, too. There are new little hairs growing in on my upper thighs where there has never been hair before. They're less than 1/8th of an inch long and slightly darker than my vellus hair. I am both excited and terrified for all this hair.
kaefig: (Default)
2012-05-03 11:50 pm

May 3

I got my first T shot today. My package from Strohecker's came in, filled to the brim with syringes, needles, and alcohol swabs; trying to re-tetris the box failed miserably. Cost me $10 to get it done, plus I have to make an appointment for the 14th so I can learn how to self-inject. I was hoping I would have been taught at my first appointment or even at the injection today. Whatever, at least I'm finally on hormones like I've been wanting to be. The shot was much, much less painful than I was expecting and I knew my fears were stupid; the burning sensation of the medication going in hurt worse than the initial stab.

Before I went in to get my shot done, though, I told my dad I was off to the clinic because it's polite to tell people you're disappearing for a few hours. His response was expected, but disheartening: "You still have time to change your mind!" No. I've changed my mind too many times before about transitioning at all and I've been looking forward to this day for years. I just said "Nope!" in the cheeriest voice I could and got into the car.

After the adventure (the street the clinic is on is under heavy construction and the detour is hell to deal with), as a treat, G (my boyfriend/partner/whatever) and I went to get Blizzards from Dairy Queen. Celebratory ice cream is never not awesome. I recommend the confetti cake flavor, btw.

Now I get to wait and see what changes come my way. I'm excited, but also filled with a sense of dread; it doesn't make any sense, but it's there.
kaefig: (Default)
2012-04-30 04:26 pm

Anxiety.

As the day goes by, I get more and more nervous; my appointment to finally get on hormones is tomorrow. I try not to think about it, but when I push it out of my mind, it's all I can focus on. My stomach is nervous and upset -- the butterflies won't stop. If this is how I am before the appointment, how will I be once I'm in the office, filling out paperwork? At that point, my writing will be illegible and I'll need someone else to transcribe it. It's funny that the one thing I've been hoping for and looking forward to is now the greatest source of anxiety for me. That said, this excited anxiousness isn't going to deter me. Hell, even my fear of self-injecting won't deter me.

On the note of self-injecting, I have this overwhelming fear and anxiety of injecting myself. It's senseless, irrational, and I don't even have a fear of needles. I've tried to desensitize myself to the process by watching both cis and trans men inject themselves. While it's helped some, the gnawing fear is there. I'm afraid that I'll finally have my medication and won't even be able to handle the syringe without turning into a crying mess. I guess it's the thought of the needle actually piercing my skin and going into muscle. I haven't had an IM injection done since I was 16 when I needed a tetanus booster after a dog bite. I've never had to do it myself. I even gave a close friend in high school one of her insulin shots. None of that freaked me out. Maybe it's the fact I have to do it for the foreseeable future...I don't know.

I can't give into fear. If I give into fear, I'll be as bad off as I was years ago when I was too depressed to leave the house. I can't do that. I will own this fear and I will tell it to go fuck itself (except fear can't do that, but whatever). To truncate a quote from Dune:

"I must not fear.

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Only I will remain."






While it may be overused, it's an excellent mantra for mind over matter. It's something I have to keep telling myself. I won't let the fear overwhelm me and I won't let it control me. I can overcome this and I will overcome it. I'm strong enough and I'm clear-minded enough to work through this meaningless fear.
kaefig: (Default)
2012-04-28 06:59 pm

What this blog is and is not.

This is not me speaking for the trans community. This is not me saying "every FTM has the experience". This is my experience and mine alone of going through my transition and how the way I'm perceived in public is changes. It's my place to rant about the inequality and discrimination I (and possibly others) face in daily life and just vent about things related directly to my transition.

There will likely be no pictures of myself, as I'm trying to stay stealth in regards to a segment of my internet life. My first real post will be May 1st, as that's when I go to a new clinic to finally get on T. It's weird to think that it's been almost three years that I've been waiting for this; it's even longer when you take into account how long I've struggled with my identity. Once I get my medication, then the fun begins -- that will probably be "fun" at times, I'm sure.

That said, feel free to share this blog and follow it, if you like what I post.