Morgenstern ach scheine auf das Antlitz mein

To start things off, the concert was absolutely incredible. I nearly cried during their performance of Engel because I was completely overwhelmed. That said, the song I posted is especially meaningful. It's a song about homosexuality and homophobia. Strange how a song written by straight men is one of the best representations of homosexuality and what we experience in daily life. G and I were sitting on the righthand side of the stage Rammstein's on here. Though my voice can't be heard, I was singing with the song while holding my partner's hand. It was very cathartic.

Oh, I also had the job I got yanked out from under me because the owner of the company couldn't afford to take on anymore expenses. Sigh.

Now, onto things I've noticed. Since I've been gaming online (late 2009), I've presented myself as male, even if my voice is high pitched. I tell them I'm a guy and they lay off and don't ask questions. It's made me notice how much different men treat their friends than women typically do. The humor is usually crude, sometimes sexual (lots of "I'll give you [sexual innuendo]", etc.), and always rowdy. There's no inital greeting of "Hey, how are you?", it's usually just "Hey, fucker" or "GET OUT". We call each other fuckfaces, dickbags, and all sorts of other colorful insults. There's no dancing around a point or carefully wording things to avoid offending delicate sensibilites. And when you fuck up? They let you know very vocally. I tear into my gaming buddies that decide to drop the f-bomb (hint: it's not "fuck"). It gets the point across much better than "Could you please not say that?" Embarrassment works so very well in changing behavior.

A disturbing thing I've come to notice is transphobia within the trans community. It honestly disgusts me to see some of the things I've read. There's no reason for this bullshit. For example:

"How the fuck can you live 40+ years as a man, marry, have children, be successful as a man, and be masculine as fuck then expect people to just take you seriously as a woman? I think alot of older transitioners just want the best of both worlds. "

It's sad that there's this sense of competition and transer-than-thou bullshit. What made me feel a bit better was a response given shortly after:

"How the fuck can you live 12+ years as a male, go to school, play sport, be successful as a boy, and be masculine as fuck then expect people to just take you seriously as a woman? I think alot of transitioners just want the best of both worlds."

The best way to respond to a ridiculous statement is with absurdity.

Society is changing so that it's possible at all that someone can transition with more ease. We don't have to jump through as many hoops to get the treatment we need. It's becoming more socially acceptable to be trans. Maybe that's why they've waited. Maybe there's deeper personal issues that you don't know about. Maybe they just finally realized what the feeling they've had is. Just because they got a later start in life does not invalidate their experience or their transness. I've seen bullshit like this break out over people who choose not to go on hormones or choose not to have surgery. They are treatment options for a reason. Maybe a transman doesn't want to risk losing his singing voice; there was a leader singer of a band in Canada that chose to forego T because of that exact fact. Sometimes people just don't want to change how they look that drastically or don't have the money. It's all personal choice -- their identity and their experience is still valid. If you don't think so, then you're part of the problem.

Another disturbing thing I've come across is the divide in FTM and MTF communities, particularly within MTF-dominated circles. I have seen transwomen throw transmen under the bus because we "have it easier". Oh honey, no. We don't. I will admit that transwomen face a much higher risk of assault than we do and that's not okay at all. We may have an easier time in early transition getting clothing, but it stops after that. We still have to go through ridiculous motions to get the treatment we seek. We are still very visible when going through transition. Testosterone has a more obvious effect on outward appearance, yes, and we have an easier time "blending" in, but we still share the same fears and risks as any other trans person. There's still the fear of dating, of having sex, of disclosing, of being outed, and any other laundry list of problems. We face discrimination, too. What defines our experience should not be pushing the trans community apart. The transphobia directed at transmen makes me incredibly uncomfortable in posting in what should be a safe space. I genuinely want to help out the trans community as a whole, but I'm afraid of discrimination from people that share the same issue. It shouldn't be this way.

Well...This went on longer than expected. Another possible update soon.

I was taught how to self-inject today. My panic and fear was for nothing, I was right. Even though my hands were shaking, I managed to inject my shot with no trouble. G was also being taught places he could inject me if I wanted him to do my shot and we (including the nurse) were entertained by the fact that I'm too bony in the hip area to do a ventrogluteal injection, despite how muscular I am there. I managed to put the needle for drawing up on too tightly and ended up having to get a new syringe to draw up. Good job, self. Once again, G and I got Blizzards since I conquered my fear so well.

I'm noticing more changes, too. There are new little hairs growing in on my upper thighs where there has never been hair before. They're less than 1/8th of an inch long and slightly darker than my vellus hair. I am both excited and terrified for all this hair.

As the day goes by, I get more and more nervous; my appointment to finally get on hormones is tomorrow. I try not to think about it, but when I push it out of my mind, it's all I can focus on. My stomach is nervous and upset -- the butterflies won't stop. If this is how I am before the appointment, how will I be once I'm in the office, filling out paperwork? At that point, my writing will be illegible and I'll need someone else to transcribe it. It's funny that the one thing I've been hoping for and looking forward to is now the greatest source of anxiety for me. That said, this excited anxiousness isn't going to deter me. Hell, even my fear of self-injecting won't deter me.

On the note of self-injecting, I have this overwhelming fear and anxiety of injecting myself. It's senseless, irrational, and I don't even have a fear of needles. I've tried to desensitize myself to the process by watching both cis and trans men inject themselves. While it's helped some, the gnawing fear is there. I'm afraid that I'll finally have my medication and won't even be able to handle the syringe without turning into a crying mess. I guess it's the thought of the needle actually piercing my skin and going into muscle. I haven't had an IM injection done since I was 16 when I needed a tetanus booster after a dog bite. I've never had to do it myself. I even gave a close friend in high school one of her insulin shots. None of that freaked me out. Maybe it's the fact I have to do it for the foreseeable future...I don't know.

I can't give into fear. If I give into fear, I'll be as bad off as I was years ago when I was too depressed to leave the house. I can't do that. I will own this fear and I will tell it to go fuck itself (except fear can't do that, but whatever). To truncate a quote from Dune:

"I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Only I will remain."

While it may be overused, it's an excellent mantra for mind over matter. It's something I have to keep telling myself. I won't let the fear overwhelm me and I won't let it control me. I can overcome this and I will overcome it. I'm strong enough and I'm clear-minded enough to work through this meaningless fear.